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My Little Phoney
My Little Phoney is the third episode of the second season of Better Days, and the 16th overall. begins with an outer shot of the Retirement Complex, cuts to inside with Mr. Shicowa, Mr. Krabs, Eustace and Sheldon inside on rocking chairs. Plankton is humming “When the Going Gets Tough” from the SpongeBob musical. KRABS: So boys, what do you want to do today? EUSTACE: I dunno. SHICOWA: walking stick in air I say we go do something other than sit on our asses and do nothing! KRABS: That's, uh, what I was suggesti- SHICOWA: Maybe we could order seaweed pizza? KRABS: Yeah, I’d like that! dials the number for pizza and puts phone to ear to the worker on the phone WORKER: Hi, how may we serve you? back to retirement home SHICOWA: Yes, I’d like one pizza with… hand on the talking end what would you boys like? EUSTACE: Extra seaweed, please! KRABS: Extra cheese! SHICOWA: Sheldon? is still humming the tune SHICOWA: louder sheeeldon? still doesn't hear SHICOWA: yelling SHELDON! SHELDON: WAH- WHAT?! SHICOWA: What would you like on your pizza? SHELDON: Chum. SHICOWA: phone back to ear one pizza with extra cheese, seaweed and chum! no response from phone SHICOWA: Hello? no response SHICOWA: phone away from ear and holds it to his face hello? pause KRABS: up phone I think your phone’s dead. EUSTACE: That, or it's so old it's busted. SHICOWA: Nonsense, I've had that baby for 10 years! EUSTACE: Definitely busted. to an overhead shot of Shicowa as he lands on his knees SHICOWA: NOOOOOO!!!!! returns to normal SHICOWA: NOT MARY! KRABS: You named your phone Mary? SHICOWA: nose Yeah, is that a problem? KRABS: Uh… no? SHELDON: Might be time to get a new phone. SHICOWA: O-okay… crying KRABS: Shicowa’s back There, there. We'll go to the electronics store and get you a new phone. SHICOWA: stops crying Okay let's go. to Richard on his macbook RICHARD: new MacBook, Yesss! MACBOOK: Welcome to your MacBook, my name is Alexa and I will be your assistant. RICHARD: What an excellent Friday this is. MACBOOK: Ordering french fries. RICHARD: WHAT?! NO! UNDO, UNDO! MACBOOK: Ordering men’s underwear. RICHARD: AAAAAAH! NO! STOP STOP! MACBOOK: Ordering stop sign. RICHARD: YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH! MACBOOK: Ordering 12 trash cans. RICHARD: STOP! NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT PLEASE WARN! MACBOOK: Ordering porn. RICHARD: NOOOOOOO! I ends/fades to black II begins with a shot inside of an electronic store with Shicowa, Krabs and Plankton inside. Cuts to an employee at the desk with Plankton SHELDON: Excuse me, sir? EMPLOYEE: Wha? around did someone just say something? SHELDON: Can I have a small phone? EMPLOYEE: Of course. We have the Pony 0. It costs $1… SHELDON: Well, that’s good! EMPLOYEE: ...for normal people, but it costs $999 for small people like you. (Sheldon makes a frowny face) Sheldon: Fuck. I guess I have to spend my life savings. EMPLOYEE: Thank you, good sir. (Gives Plankton the phone) (leans towards Plankton and whispers) Make sure your (points at karen) wife doesn't find out or you'll never hear the end of it. (Cuts to Krabs in an aisle with Shicowa) KRABS: (picks up iPhone) How bout this one, Shico- (accidentally chops phone in half with his claws and lets out an embarrassed chuckle) I'll fix that… (runs out the door) you'll never take me alive! EMPLOYEE: Hey! You're paying for that! (Grabs gun from under the desk and runs out the door) Get back here! SHICOWA: What just happened? EUSTACE: (runs by holding a handful of phones) FREE PHONES! SHICOWA: Uh… (grabs phone and runs) (Cuts back to Eustace, Shicowa, and Plankton walking into the retirement home with Richard inside. There is tons of junk.) SHELDON: Um… where'd this trash come from? Richard: My dumb MacBook keeps ordering stuff when I don't want it to! MACBOOK: Ordering 2. RICHARD: YOU HUNK OF- (Sheldon, Walter, and Shicowa run away) (Cuts to back inside the retirement home room and everyone is on walking chairs except Krabs) SHELDON: I'm liking the new phone! EUSTACE: Same! (A robot hand comes out of the phone and flosses Eustace’s teeth) It flosses teeth! SHELDON: (hands come out of the phone and massages Plankton) Aaaaah… massage mode, neat! What can yours do, Shicowa? (Cuts to Shicowa outside next to a grave of Mary) SHELDON: (offscreen) He's still mourning over his old phone? (Cuts back) SHELDON: Where's Krabs? (Krabs walks in with an arm and leg bandages and crutches and is holding a phone) KRABS: Hi guys. SHELDON: Wha- KRABS: That guy was tough. Anyway, check it! (Holds phone out) SHELDON: Whoa! EUSTACE: Wow! KRABS: Where's Shicowa? EUSTACE: Nowhere. (Shicowa walks in) SHICOWA: Hi guys, I'm back! EUSTACE: Yo, Shicowa, what does your phone do? SHICOWA: Hehee! It- uh- I don't know. There's this app with a piano as its picture… (presses app) (Piano falls out of the sky onto Shicowa) KRABS: WHO MAKES THAT AN APP?! (shicowa crawls out) SHICOWA: I'm alright. Anyway, this phone is neat! (Walks out the door) I need to go to the bathroo- (falls down the stairs) ow… KRABS: You… you ok? SHICOWA: (offscreen) A little… (Lightning strikes Shicowa offscreen) SHICOWA: Not anymore. SHELDON: What? Wasn't paying attention, this massage mode is wonderful. Hey, what's this button do? (Presses phone button) (A circus tent flies out of the phone) SHELDON: HOLY MOLY! (runs into the circus tent cheering) EUSTACE: We need to check on Shicowa. He might be badly injured. SHELDON: (in tent) Woo! Cotton candy! KRABS: First can we get this tent outta here? I’m kinda claustrophobic. EUSTACE: On it. SHELDON: (in circus tent) Woo! This sure is grea- (Eustace picks the circus tent up and throws it out the window) SHELDON: AAAAAAAAAA!! (circus hits ground offscreen) Ow… KRABS: Thanks. Hey, we should probably check to see if Shicowa’s okay. (Shicowa walks back into the room) SHICOWA: I’m fine, calm down. KRABS: You sure? Seemed like quite a fall. SHELDON: (offscreen) I'm fine, thanks for asking! WALTER: (offscreen) I DON'T WANT 5 TONS OF LITERAL GARBAGE! SHICOWA: That laptop of Walter’s sure is causing problems. MACBOOK: (offscreen) Ordering existential crisis. WALTER: (offscreen) WHAT DO YOU MEA-awwww…. KRABS: I need to tell you something Shicowa, hopefully I can before it fades to bla- (Act II ends/fades to black) (Act III starts) SHICOWA: You're saying my phone brings bad luck? KRABS: Pretty much. SHICOWA: That's ridiculous, there's no such thing as bad lu- (Lightning strikes shicowa) SHICOWA: That was just a coincidence. KRABS: II don’t know, these occurrences are pretty unnatural. SHICOWA: Nonsense, happens all the time around here. (Lightning strikes Shicowa again) SHICOWA: Wait, does it? KRABS: Not really. Just happens to you because of that damn phone. SHICOWA: THE PHONE IS NOT THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM IS THIS HORRIBLE WEATHER! (Gets zapped again) KRABS: I think we need to take that phone away- SHICOWA: DON’T! I LOVE IT LIKE I DID MARY! KRABS: Whoa there, Mark. It’s just a phone. SHICOWA: Don’t you dare say that! Don’t worry, Macy, it’s alright. KRABS: You already have a name for your new phone? SHICOWA: Why not? KRABS: That’s what crazy people do. MACBOOK: Ordering doggy doo-doo. MR. RICHARDS: No! Cancel! MACBOOK: Ordering marriage counselor. MR. RICHARDS: Ugh, I give up. MACBOOK: Ordering the book “Shut the Fuck Up” by Jerry Springer. MR. RICHARDS: NOOOO! KRABS: If you don’t give me that phone, Mark, things are gonna get crazy. SHICOWA: I’m not giving it up. KRABS: You have to. It’s ruining your life. SHICOWA: Macy is a great lady, you just haven’t got to know her yet. KRABS: Just give it… (starts grabbing onto Shicowa’s phone) SHICOWA: Never! (pulls harder in his direction) (They struggle for a few seconds, then the phone explodes) SHICOWA: Noooo! MACYYY!!! KRABS: Why did it explode? MR. RICHARDS: Yeah, Nokia phones do that now. Didn’t you hear it on the news? KRABS: Yeah, but that was years ago. MR. RICHARDS: Anyways, I’d recommend getting a phone from a more trustworthy brand, like Apple. SHICOWA: I’m not buying from Apple. They’re greedy assholes. KRABS: You have to, it’s the only way. (Cut to the next day, when Shicowa and Krabs are home from the Apple Store) MR. RICHARDS: Good news, the new iOS update fixed my MacBook problem! SHICOWA: Good for you. And I just got the iPhone XS… Max. MR. RICHARDS: And how much did it cost? SHICOWA: $1100. But it’s so shiny. KRABS: That notch though. SHICOWA: Who cares? This is better than Mary and Macy combined! I’ll call her Mabel! KRABS: That name sounds familiar… oh well. All’s well that ends well. SHELDON: My phone is so tiny, yet so powerful! (summons another circus tent with his phone) KRABS: No! CLOWNS! SHICOWA: THERE’S NO TOUCH ID! (The End)